Date:	2007-05-05 13:19
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	good

everything has finally settled. and i'm floating on air because it seems like everything is so perfect.


i got into OTIS. i. fucking got. into art school. i am so happy and relieved. now we just have to figure out if i can actually go. if i can't go, i will just be completely crushed. it was a rush to actually open up a letter and see "congratulations!" written in bold. i was so happy and excited i was like shaking. first person i called was nate. "WOOO" then ryan. then agatha. i was just so damn happy. at least if i don't get to go, i can know that i got in. we shall see.


marcos has decided to be my prom date as of last night. thank god.


jesus what else. uhm. i love life?

oh and spiderman was whack.

Date:	2007-05-03 18:26
Subject:	shit.
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	love you more

i just always end up asking myself what i've done to deserve nothing ever fucking working out. and then i think of it, and i'm like, oh. so why does everything work out for him. and not for me. so unfair.


i finally find someone i really want to go to prom with and it can't happen. and it's for, in my opinion, the stupidest fucking reasons. and i'm like COME ON. it's one night out of your life that you could make me happy and you just. not. like jesus. i am not opposed to getting on the ground and begging. my main point is i haven't totally given up on him yet.


i had taco bell today. fuck my life.
diet starts tomorrow.

Date:	2007-05-01 13:45
Subject:	ok. life is moving fucking quick.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	thiiis isss the way i liiive

and i'm so unsure about everything that's happening in the upcoming months that it scares me. i have so many feelings for people that are unsorted out. and they're all ridiculous because i kind of know in the back of my head that nothing will happen, but nonetheless, i still try.

it feels like a lot of crap. and my kidneys are still fucking with me. so even if i wanted to take a second and chill out, i'd still have pain in my damn side. i have a feeling i'll end up going to reno, where i don't want to go. it's far away from everything and everyone i want to stay close to. i wish there was any easy way to get everything i want. i wish i KNEW what i wanted. actually i should stop saying that, because i know exactly what i want. i just don't want to admit it. because i'm afraid of failure and rejection. and sometimes i'd rather sit here on my computer and waste away, then try anything.

even though my dreams are still far from happening (maybe even not), i know they're a lot closer then they've ever been. i don't even know what they are, really. i want to sing, period. and i'm going to do it, no matter where i go to school.

today i stayed home from school and slept. i had the weirdest dream ever. i don't even want to describe it. it just surprised me because the one person i was expecting to see wasn't there.


i love/hate going through old journal entries. even ones from like a month ago. i just really can't believe i wrote any of it. i remember my dad saying to me at the beginning of the school year, "senior year changes you. at the end of the year you'll be a completely different person than who you are right now." sooo true. it's so crazy how you change and you don't realize it until you look back.

alright. food, work out.

i can never really decide what i want from anyone, or myself for that matter. i'll tell people things to make them happy but i barely tell the truth, now that i think of it. unless i really just want things to end. here are the things that i know for sure:

- out of all the guys i've hooked up with/had things with over senior year, which still surprises me in number, there are only 2 that i truly had feelings for. like for real. i actually felt, that i could be with them. and be totally satisfied. and i'm satisfied that i would be satisfied with someone new. the thought alone is satisfying.

- i know it was weird, and now i know it's finally a friendship, back to normal, for good. call it what you want, but for however long i know you, i will always want to do you.

- i know for sure that sometime in my life, i want to be on stage. and i know that i want to sing. i don't want to be a graphic designer, and do not have a passion for it. i only do it as a hobby and to pass classes at a-tech. although thats true, i do know what i want to do. and that is sing. for sure. since i was 4 years old. i've been sure.

- i love my friends. and i'm glad we're all getting closer. it just bums me out to know that i've missed so much living under the rock i like to call ex-boyfriend. it was never totally his fault though. i blame my own insecurity for being so quiet. i'm just glad that i realize i never had a reason to be.

- i'm so over it. i am so. over it.

Date:	2007-04-16 22:23
Subject:	lol i swear it seems like im bipolar with this shit
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic
Music:	this is the way i live

"and then i just smile."

Date:	2007-03-27 00:12
Subject:	hella tired.
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

you would think after a weekend and monday of disappointment and down-ness, i'd be more upset. i guess it just shows that i've gotten so positive it's impossible to be negative. both of the guys i've focused on for the past couple of months are both moved on and doing things for girls they like. and i just feel... nothing.

but life is moving along. and i have no idea what i want to do with it anymore.

whenever i think about college stuff i have this feeling like i can't breathe. i feel like someone is like. choking me. i don't know. it's weird. if i were to use my special ms. burke powers that i've developed, i'd say i'm kind of nervous and stressed out.


i don't even know why. i just know that i've very lonely and that i'm going to go lay down.

do you ever have those moments where youre like. freaking out over something you know you shouldn't be freaking out over? like you know its stupid but you cant help but like. be like FUCKING PEOPLE. and then on top of all of that you have like. college shit to do. and a project that you shouldve started like 245 weeks ago to do. and like. you have to write an essay on a bill for government? and a project to do for graphics?

i'm kind of just waiting for this week to be over and for everything thats been happening to blow over. i'm sure it will and everything will be fine. i just need to put certain people out of my mind and fucking focus right now. cause seriously if i don't start this burke shit i'm never going to get done.

ok here i go.

Date:	2007-02-14 18:43
Subject:	happy valentines day
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

i got a couple cards and a rose. i know it sounds stupid but i felt better getting things and not walking around empty handed, i hate that. today wasn't bad. i had my graphics interview. it went okay. i was really nervous but ms. michels was really nice about it.

i tell myself i'm going to give up on him everyday in the morning but when i see him in the day, it all goes away and i like him as much as i ever have. somebody make him ugly and not funny. he's so hot to me. all his little imperfections are so fucking adorable. DAMN it.

i practiced parallel parking today with mom. i'm getting a lot better. test is soon. god, i hope i pass.

about to go out with jayjay and the boys. today will have been a pretty good day. chill, no homework, hang out with friends. i'm excited to come home, listen to music and watch will and grace.

but i have a bad feeling in my stomach and i don't know why. mm we'll see.

Date:	2007-02-11 10:53
Subject:	better
Security:	Public
Mood:	mischievous
Music:	chronic

i don't care anymore. i want to start a new life. i want to get into art more. i love painting. i can't wait for college. i want to be an illustrator. and i want to sing. for anybody.

today will be okay. nate, katie and i are going to some portfolio day thing. then ice cream. then home for burke essay. she hasn't answered me so i'm just going to try my best with it. what else can i do. and if it doesn't go well, oh well. i'm looking forward so much into the future that this essay is just one fucking essay. fuck it.

still sick, head is all stuffed up. but much fucking better with life. seriously? i'm so tired of caring so much about what other people think. i'm fucking done.

( been fucked up a lot lately, by the way, unexpectedly. lol, nice life. )

Date:	2007-02-05 14:47
Subject:	cause the world keeps spinnin' round and round
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	hairspray musical

( do you ever just say shit and then fucking regret it the second after you text it? fuck. )

Date:	2007-01-25 22:08
Subject:	call that girl bojangles
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	mmm total silence

today was one of those days where you just wake up, and you just think, "fuck. it is 5:30 am and i should not be getting up right now." and then you lay your head down thinking you'll just rest for 4 more minutes, you end up sleeping for like 20 more, and then you wake up like, "fuck. now i really have to get up because my hair is bitch and i don't have anything cute to wear." then you get up and sit on your stool in front of the tv straightening your hair for 20 minutes. then have to pick something to wear in like 4, then quickly and sloppily put on eye liner, and run out the door. text agatha.

"be there at 6cos30." haha.

it was one of those days where in the morning you don't have very high hopes for having a good day. but then things that happen surprise you, and you do end up having a pretty good day. i learned a lot of things today and realized a lot of things today. here are the things that happened and the things i learned:

1. don't be out of it AND hyper at the same time, in weight training class. it's a dangerous thing. i flipped backwards over one of the machines because i forgot to secure my legs in the bar so, i bumped my knee really hard and got laughed at by thankfully only one person, that one person being george, thank god. quietest person ever. only when i went to change into my normal clothes did i notice that it was bleeding pretty nicely. i also wasn't paying attention to putting down my 20's so when i did, my finger went in between them and some 45's. my pinky and ring finger were HUGE and purple. not such a good look. i almost cried, but i didn't. joey kept asking me if i was okay (♥). so i'm not ever going to fuck around in there again. fucking injuries.

2. i have a best friend and her name is jahayra. today we had plans to go to the gym, but of course they had to be ruined by SOMETHING. when we got there they wouldn't let us sign up cause we had to have parents with us. dude, come ON. lmao. so we left and jogged at the park for a while. i had no idea that running would bring out so much talk. we talked about everything. mayra, boys. we talked about fate and what we want to do and what we want to be. whats coming, the reasons things are happening. i feel as thought a huge change is coming. and everything that is happening right now, is preparing me for it. i don't know, staying in vegas seems like the easy way out to me. i want to try new things and experience college. i'm excited, but scared.

3. today was the last time i gave this some serious thought. i do not think mayra is meant to be my friend. she writes things and says things and does things to everyone and everything, but me. and every word of that, even if it may be semi positive, just frustrates me. most of the time you don't even know if its about you because she hides names and phrases. i'm not into that. i will say your name right here because i just am totally past caring. MAYRA. MAYRA MAYRA MAYRA. what are you going to do about it? nothing. post some journal entires about me? good. go ahead. why do you need to do that. come to me, and talk to ME about it. and if you don't, youre not worth my time. and to make that clear, that is not to say that you as a PERSON are not worth my time, but yes, when you act the way you are and say the things you do, for the REASONS you do (and i know them, because you did the same shit with jayjay when were mad at her), you are not worth my time. i'm not going to come to you to talk. i'm done with it. i've tried. and when you finally did come, and i wrote you back, you again, chose to not write back. uh, ok? and of course i didn't apologize "first." who cares who apologizes first anyway, i'm not in fucking grade school. i'm not down for that drama shit. i'm still pretty confused about what i did that i owe her an apology for in the first place. i don't recall saying anything rude that wasn't totally honest, or doing anything wrong to you.

and for the record, i don't care what you OR your "new best friends" think about me. i never have. i never will. why would i give a fuck if someone says something about me, when they don't know SHIT about me, or maybe only things they've heard, which if they were from you, probably were only half true. so you may as well just stop doing that. and if my assumption was wrong, and that wasn't about me, my bad. i apologize in advance.

4. after jogging, jayjay and i went to applebees and feasted. it was awesome, i love that place. we saw some ghetto hotties and then met up with freddy, craig, and jp. gotta say some of them lookin finne. :) i love them.

5. procrastination is really something i need to work on. or time management. either one of the two. because according to my clock it is now.. 10:31 and i don't have any homework done. and my hair is still wet from my shower, my much needed shower. but i will do it. i'm going to stay up as late as i can because i'd really like to see if i could pull straight A's this quarter. what a joy that'd be.

i really wish i had pictures to put with this, but i don't. i'll have some tomorrow. this weekend should be nice and full. friday might go to a movie with jeff and then to a show with jayjay. saturday work from 8-4 (YES, nice hours) then chilling with jayjay + maybe freddy, jp, and craig. i hope it works out like i plan and i hope it's fun.

but i'm actually feeling really happy right now. i'm going to ride that and go read my government book. till next time.

Date:	2007-01-17 14:15
Subject:	everybody move to the back of the bus
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay
Music:	outkast - rosa parks

Date:	2007-01-15 15:52
Subject:	and when it kicks in you can hardly talk.
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb
Music:	drug ballad - em

i don't even know where to start in explaining whats going on. so here are some little minus things.

- mayra and my friendship has finally winded down. well. it kind of exploded. and then winded down, after the explosion. i think it's safe to say it's pretty over. now that i think of it, it ended kind of painfully. we're not on speaking terms. last i said to her was a long ass novel on myspace where i kind of bitched her. i don't know. i was pissed and lately things are just flying out of my mouth like crazy. lmao i don't give a fuck what you and your friends think. anyway. it's over for now.
positive view of this situation: one less thing to worry about? no one telling me negative things.

- jesse and i got into a fight. out of fucking NOWHERE. i wish it didn't happen. i just don't know what else to say about that. it just sucks. i really love him and i just want us to be okay. just fucking. ok. jesus chris. why can't we just get along? lmao. :( it was all okay until i opened my big mouth. maybe sometimes i should just shut the hell up? yeah. i wonder when he'll call. probably like fuckin sometime next month? yeah.
positive view of this situation: i guess i'm still okay. and i'll be okay if he calls me and says he doesn't want to be friends. 5 months ago i wouldn't be.

get get crunk: jesse makes me feel so insane
get get crunk: and he makes me feel like
get get crunk: i havent changed at all
get get crunk: its like
get get crunk: hes the one person all of my insecurity stems from
get get crunk: and like
get get crunk: i dont want to go back
get get crunk: sometimes i feel like the only way i can really move on is to just not be friends with him.
JAAAAAHIWA: yeah, because you dont need someone in your life thats just going to bash your self esteem like that
JAAAAAHIWA: and make you feel so insecure
get get crunk: yeah
get get crunk: like i cant remember the last time i doubted myself.
get get crunk: but it was this morning. the first time in a while.
get get crunk: "maybe i'm not okay."
get get crunk: "maybe i'm not over it."
get get crunk: "maybe i do need him to love me."
get get crunk: no kelsey. no you don't.
get get crunk: you know?
get get crunk: fuck

we'll see what he says when he calls me.

- mid terms are tomorrow. i don't want to start. i haven't even touched my history book. and deanna keeps texting me asking questions. and i'm like shut up. because i haven't even started the study guide. and it's an idiot move. because i really should study. but i'm not really caring. because i have an 87. and no matter what i'll have a B. i don't know. its just another thing sitting on my shoulders, being like. hey. here i am. pay attention to me. worry about me.
positive view of this situation: lmao. there really isn't a positive way to view procrastination. idk, i get to watch the rob and big marathon?

new candles. favorite candles.

Date:	2007-01-12 15:12
Subject:	today was
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

Date:	2007-01-11 19:59
Subject:	la la la la
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	superman - eminem

life is good.

Date:	2007-01-09 16:02
Subject:	and i feel that i've been saved.
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejuvenated
Music:	christina aguilera

woo alright. well. new journal, same problems. i'm in the same situation, still not knowing whether to finish or keep it going. i want to finish because it has potential to be one of the coolest things ever, but you know. eh. i should just keep it.

kelsey loves her ginghers and hotass new fabric.
( makes me want to get down and pray. )

new new